something we never had.
The summer is over; not only on the calender, but the green is beginning to fade and the air is beginning to thin as the seasons change. It’s cool out this morning in the mid-60s with a nice breeze. I think this front settled in over night. I can’t even deal with how nice it is and have a fresh cup of coffee just to sweeten the deal!
I feel like more is turning than just the leaves, and many have told me I’m moving from one season of life into another, and perhaps they are true. I find myself wrestling with different things these days: some are obvious and some are much more personal, and as my opinion of my life, my goals, and my God develops and grows, my understanding changes and I’m more certain about some things, but also find myself completely in the dark on issues and discussions of which I was once very sure. Perhaps it is the humility time brings that washes away my pride.
This summer has definitely been one of lessons, passion, and wisdom – so many new doors have opened, and so many old doors have closed.
My understanding of the world is a broken mirror, or a broken picture, smashed in the middle with cracks that run to the edges. I am ambitious and have dreams, but if I don’t continually set goals and work for them I start to slide into complacency. This only shows me the intention God placed in my heart opposed to how sin has distorted the image. When I start to trace the cracks back to the things that bring me life, brings me closer to hope and peace, then I actually come closer to the heart – my heart and my intention, although there are so many things about it I don’t understand. I wrestle with this.
The sincerity of my faith is not in my adherence to its principles, but obedience to its heart. The call to “be holy as He is holy” is to spur me to seek Him, to push through this life and realize beyond the veil is a kingdom that operates in contrast to this one. It’s defined by something more – liberating. This shapes my understanding of love and sacrifice: the integrity of both – that it is not that we wrestle, but why we wrestle that makes the difference. The truth is honest, and honesty is always in line with freedom.
When Jacob was on the lam, he crossed a river a wrestled an angel all night. Even after his hip was dislocated, he would not let go until the angel had blessed him (Genesis 32). He was about to face his brother and was afraid his brother was going to kill him, a blessing could prevent this. I never understood the significance until yesterday of the story as a metaphor because so little information is given about this account. “He contended with his brother when he was young, but in his maturity he contended with God” (Hos. 12:3).
In this heart I find my calling – or else something lost in the echo.